Appel à relecture

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Appel à relecture

Message  Therod Aoun'dore le Jeu 25 Sep 2014, 01:50

Bonjour ! Je ne savais pas trop où poster ça...

Je suis à cheval avec Argent Dawn en ce moment - agent double que je suis - histoire de bosser mon anglais sur mes heures de rp. J'ai commencé à écrire un background, dans la langue de Shakespear et de Lady Gaga, et j'en appelle humblement aux bilingues d'entre vous pour me dire, si vous voulez bien, les éventuelles approximations ou lourdeurs qu'il pourrait y avoir.
Difficile de s'occuper de la stylistique quand on a le nez dans la grammaire !

D'avance merci ! Smile

My journey began in the very depths of the Stranglethorn forest. A lost adventurer, wandering in the swallowing darkness of the woods, would have heard the disturbing crescendo of nightmarish drums and songs of madness frighten vampirish bats in the night. He would have come across the singing bones hung up to the lowest branches, painted relics of past intruders, installation of skulls and ribcages softly playing a melodic sound as the wind made them rock. Then, if he had had the chance not to step on one of our deadly traps, if no sharpen teeth of metal had ripped off his leg, if none of our reptilian hounds veiling in the dark had devoured his guts, he might have seen the flamboyant lights and the dement dances of my servants, on the holy day of my wedding. The bloody remains of five humans were hanging over a great fire, which was praised and surrounded by a herd of priests in trance. Naked, screaming, blank-eyed, the dark mojo dripping from their carved tusk, they danced madly to bless the sacrifice we made to our Loa. While these servants of the Gods killed the seventh and last of our prisoners, my tribe stood in circle, clapping their hands and howling to the night. This ceremony was mine, for I stood on the highest chair, along with my new husband.
This ceremony was mine, for I was the Queen.

Eruk Mandalaï was my glorious King. He was praised as our Chief after he freed himself from a human escouade and led us to a bloody revenge. On the festivities of our victory, Eruk Mandalaï chose me as one of his mistresses. I was young, then, insecure; I was not the best singer, neither I was the best huntress, but out of his exhilaration, even surrounded by the most beautiful and talented creatures of the tribe, he stared at me all night and told me he had chosen me. The man who was my husband back at the time, the tracker Salzan, was deeply offended by the unorthodox advances of his Chief, he saw his dreams of power born out of the rage : the law authorized him to defy Eruk Mandalaï and, if he managed to defeat him, to sit where he sat, to eat where he ate, and to own the women he kept.
I remember that bloody night of festivity, when the Mandalaï winked at me and promised me I would be his Queen of nights of wonder and delights for he was in deep love, over the wheezing of the sharpening stone coming and going on his golden saber. I remember this golden shine of the blade, now striated of a reddish and precious liquid that looked like a ruby liquor bathing the metal, oddly appearing in the spine of my husband while Eruk, laid on him, hugging him, his large nostrils flaring at the blood and the effort, was thrusting his blade up to the guard into the stomach of his arrogant enemy. I remember feeling a guilty wave of ease : the weak Salzan had passed away and I was going to be the Queen.

Eruk Mandalaï did offer me nights of wonders and delights, as long as this powerful Chief lived; unfortunately, it was not for long.

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Re: Appel à relecture

Message  Srem le Jeu 25 Sep 2014, 02:49

J'ai pas un anglais suffisamment affiné pour dire où c'est lourd ou pas, mais en tout cas la lecture fut plaisante. Continue. :D
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